ignorance is painful (for me, anyway)
Nov. 16th, 2022 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
highimpactsexfor an upcoming writing proposal, i've been reading about indigenous politics so i have a better understanding of settler colonialism (as mentioned in my previous post). and the more i read, the more i am struck by own ignorance and ... how painful it is.
even with the amount of literature i've read, there's still an entire history that i don't know. i lament how frankly useless my education is and all i can do is read more. but it makes me wonder: will there ever be a point i'd be satisfied and not feel the pain of ignorance?
and anyway, why is ignorance so frustrating to me, i wonder. i know white allies would talk about how they feel guilty and they must reprimand themselves to be better learners. i don't share in that guilt. as a chinese indonesian, i don't have much of that settler "responsibility" since my family hails from a heritage of economic migration, discrimination, and the severing of our ancestry via the chinese civil war.
this is not to say i am not susceptible to the settler colonial imagination. i saw the usa, for example, as a "nation of immigrants" because i was schooled in an american education. in reality, it was settler colonialism from top to bottom. perhaps, this realization that i have been brainpoisoned by the settler colonial meme is what makes me so mad.
i should've known better. i should've read more literature about it. shit like that.
and i want to go beyond "unlearning". that shit is easy: just listen to indigenous voices and scholar accomplices studying this shit. no, i want to break free of this "settler colonial realist" brain and actually try to make it easier to imagine the end of settler colonialism than the end of the world.
ignorance is my enemy because it shows how complacent i am. i must always be "unsettled" so to speak, to remind myself that there's still shit to do. people say i've become more "radicalized" lately but am i really? i just see myself as willfully ignorant, age 29 and still holding so many terrible myths. this applies to my own ignorance on disability, race, gender, and other aspects worth intersecting too. unlearning is baby steps. action is where we need to get stuff done. i'm not as radical as reality itself. i am so far from that goal. the veil of ignorance is too scary for me.
i don't want to regurgitate terrible stereotypes and myths. it's too easy to do it on the internet/social media. too easy.
i'm exhausted all the time thanks to post viral symptoms though. my reading speed isn't up to where it was before i contracted covid. a book a day may sound impressive, but i know i could do more. at the same time, i know i can't tire myself out too much.
still, this is something i wanna do. ignorance is horrifying. i don't see myself as some moralistic god, i just see this as doing the basic minimum for myself as an activist social scientist. i want to go beyond "culture criticism" and enter into the realm of "activist research".
there's so much to do, learn, and unlearn. the fear of ignorance drives me to do a lot but i should also try to calm down and de-stress. but regardless, time to stop procrastinating/writing and do the actual reading once more.
even with the amount of literature i've read, there's still an entire history that i don't know. i lament how frankly useless my education is and all i can do is read more. but it makes me wonder: will there ever be a point i'd be satisfied and not feel the pain of ignorance?
and anyway, why is ignorance so frustrating to me, i wonder. i know white allies would talk about how they feel guilty and they must reprimand themselves to be better learners. i don't share in that guilt. as a chinese indonesian, i don't have much of that settler "responsibility" since my family hails from a heritage of economic migration, discrimination, and the severing of our ancestry via the chinese civil war.
this is not to say i am not susceptible to the settler colonial imagination. i saw the usa, for example, as a "nation of immigrants" because i was schooled in an american education. in reality, it was settler colonialism from top to bottom. perhaps, this realization that i have been brainpoisoned by the settler colonial meme is what makes me so mad.
i should've known better. i should've read more literature about it. shit like that.
and i want to go beyond "unlearning". that shit is easy: just listen to indigenous voices and scholar accomplices studying this shit. no, i want to break free of this "settler colonial realist" brain and actually try to make it easier to imagine the end of settler colonialism than the end of the world.
ignorance is my enemy because it shows how complacent i am. i must always be "unsettled" so to speak, to remind myself that there's still shit to do. people say i've become more "radicalized" lately but am i really? i just see myself as willfully ignorant, age 29 and still holding so many terrible myths. this applies to my own ignorance on disability, race, gender, and other aspects worth intersecting too. unlearning is baby steps. action is where we need to get stuff done. i'm not as radical as reality itself. i am so far from that goal. the veil of ignorance is too scary for me.
i don't want to regurgitate terrible stereotypes and myths. it's too easy to do it on the internet/social media. too easy.
i'm exhausted all the time thanks to post viral symptoms though. my reading speed isn't up to where it was before i contracted covid. a book a day may sound impressive, but i know i could do more. at the same time, i know i can't tire myself out too much.
still, this is something i wanna do. ignorance is horrifying. i don't see myself as some moralistic god, i just see this as doing the basic minimum for myself as an activist social scientist. i want to go beyond "culture criticism" and enter into the realm of "activist research".
there's so much to do, learn, and unlearn. the fear of ignorance drives me to do a lot but i should also try to calm down and de-stress. but regardless, time to stop procrastinating/writing and do the actual reading once more.
